Disclaimer

This blog is about my experiences. I am a survivor. There is a laundry list of trauma I have experienced. Ultimately, I am working to move past "surviving" life and on to truly thriving. I want to feel the freedom of expressing my feelings honestly.

...survivor of childhood incest, an adult child of an alcoholic, the left behind child of a parent who committed suicide, was a single teen parent, a survivor of domestic violence in my first marriage ...

I started writing this blog after thinking about writing it for years. I am writing it for ME. I have felt the need to express myself in some way for quite some time. I could journal, but I have this feeling that making a public statement is better. See, I keep much of myself to myself. And my experiences, good and bad, are part of who I am. If I can be publicly honest (even in a fairly anonymous way) about some of the darker parts of my life, perhaps I will feel less burdened by secrecy.

I hope that if you read this you will not see it as a cry for attention: it is not. I am keeping it fairly anonymous specifically to prevent that from occurring. I am tired of hiding parts of me from the world, so my past is no longer a secret, but I certainly do not discuss it regularly with people. This blog gives me the freedom to talk about it openly.

I am not crazy. My biggest fear when telling people about my life is that they will see me as damaged, as unstable, as delicate, and as a victim. It is not my fault that I was abused, and the consequences of that abuse are things I deal with daily. Yes, some of my responses to life are different than they would be had I never been through all that I have experienced, but I am a functioning member of society and my ultimate desire is to live a life filled with love, happiness, and safety with my family.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Getting started.

I have been wanting to write this for a long time. It is so hard to get started, or to know where to begin.

Once my good friend referred to my life as being like an after school special, and you know what? She was right.

The truth of the matter is, I am afraid to write. There is so much floating in my head that I so desperately want to let out, but the task is daunting. Very few people know what I see as the "real me," and I am afraid to tell. The idea that I would pour out personal information on the internet seems bizarre, but I know that part of healing is sharing "experience, strength and hope" as they say in the 12 step world. Shame keeps me frozen.
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