writers block

I am having a really hard time writing anything lately.  Not sure what the problem is.  So I have this list of stuff that is floating around in my head that I can't seem to really expound upon (yet) and the list will have to suffice.

1. A couple of weeks ago I was checking news headlines through my RSS feed and one came up that said something to the effect of, "Man in jail for raping 9 month old baby."  Whether or not you have ever been abused, this headline should shock and outrage you (at least, I would think it would).  At any rate, I physically could feel my head start to spin, and I questioned how I was going to get through the day.  I truly despise abuse haunting me in such an uninvited way.  I am not going to quit reading the news, but sometimes it really sucks.  I could tell this was hitting me particularly hard when I heard my dad's voice in the office (I was alone, and he's been dead since 1997).  He just whispered, "dad," and I stood there for a second questioning my sanity before returning to whatever task was at hand. 

2.  Law & Order SVU (which I probably should not be watching, but I cannot seem to stop) really got to me a few days ago.  The episode was about a rapist who ended up being the product of child abuse himself, and he was 38, still living at home with his father.  Growing up his dad had forced him to sleep with prostitutes and later in life his father would watch video of him raping women.  What really hit me was that this 38 year old was a victim, and that he could have been someone else.  If his school had noticed, a social worker, a neighbor, a family member, ANYONE, and if he had then gotten the necessary services as a child, he may have grown up not to rape, but to be a productive member of society.  It is hard to reform a grown up who rapes; but it is possible to use tools to prevent this from occurring in the first place.  Meanwhile, in the real world, right her in MN, funding is being cut for prevention programs.  Schools can't afford social workers, or to keep class sizes small enough that teachers truly know their students.  Kids slip through the cracks, no one takes responsibility to help, and they cycle continues.  And, it makes no damn sense.  It is quite easy to blame a monstrous rapist for this, but the reality is that all rapists were once somebody's baby, somebodies child.  They were likely someone's victim too.  I am not saying that justifies their actions, it does not.  What I am saying is that it makes more sense to end the cycle of a abuse, to prevent it from ever occurring, than it does to pay for the human storage center at Moose Lake.  It serves potential victims, and actual victims (not to mention taxpayers).  People often make this a black and white issue, perhaps they don't realize that it just isn't.  How lucky for them to have "bad" guys and "good" guys.  Unfortunately, it is not that simple, as any person who experienced child abuse will tell you.

3.  The Rape and Sexual Abuse Center at N.I.P. is losing its funding to teach "safe touch" and provide prevention (see #2)  in Minneapolis Public Schools.  This destroys me.  It feels like the government punching me in the stomach, and it's personal.  I was one of those kids who slipped through the cracks, and I wish I could save every kid from being abandoned that way.

4.  I have been having vivid nightmares and memories coming to me very clearly.  I know I need to let myself remember but it is hard not to push them away.  Honestly, I seem to just DO it without trying (natural defense).  I am working really hard not to push them away...not sure how to do this.  Laying quietly and letting myself just breath is one of the hardest things for me to do.

5.  A couple weeks ago therapy was really taxing, to the point where I just felt horrible.  On the way home, I saw a gorgeous evening sunshine and a rainbow.  It was like God was hugging me and it was awesome.