Disclaimer

This blog is about my experiences. I am a survivor. There is a laundry list of trauma I have experienced. Ultimately, I am working to move past "surviving" life and on to truly thriving. I want to feel the freedom of expressing my feelings honestly.

...survivor of childhood incest, an adult child of an alcoholic, the left behind child of a parent who committed suicide, was a single teen parent, a survivor of domestic violence in my first marriage ...

I started writing this blog after thinking about writing it for years. I am writing it for ME. I have felt the need to express myself in some way for quite some time. I could journal, but I have this feeling that making a public statement is better. See, I keep much of myself to myself. And my experiences, good and bad, are part of who I am. If I can be publicly honest (even in a fairly anonymous way) about some of the darker parts of my life, perhaps I will feel less burdened by secrecy.

I hope that if you read this you will not see it as a cry for attention: it is not. I am keeping it fairly anonymous specifically to prevent that from occurring. I am tired of hiding parts of me from the world, so my past is no longer a secret, but I certainly do not discuss it regularly with people. This blog gives me the freedom to talk about it openly.

I am not crazy. My biggest fear when telling people about my life is that they will see me as damaged, as unstable, as delicate, and as a victim. It is not my fault that I was abused, and the consequences of that abuse are things I deal with daily. Yes, some of my responses to life are different than they would be had I never been through all that I have experienced, but I am a functioning member of society and my ultimate desire is to live a life filled with love, happiness, and safety with my family.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Random things that are getting to me tonight.

1. Being the "mom" to far too many adults.  I recognize my role in how this occurred, but I am now over it, as it is distracting me from the things I actually need to deal with in MY life.
2. Priests & parishioners rationalizing the abuse of children in the Catholic Church
3. The media circus created by the abuse within the Catholic Church screws up my commute.  It's on the news (which I typically enjoy while I drive) and triggers me into a hyper-aware PTSD state.  (On a positive note: It is a good practice opportunity for coping with trauma. "I can chose to feel my feelings, and then set them on the shelf until I am ready to take them out and deal with them at an appropriate time."  Thanks for the tool, DAP.)
4. I am almost 30.  I thought by the time I was 30 I would totally have my shit together.
5. Sexism.  Why is it that all these men (I am not referring to mine, I just  mean in general) who are such great dads and so aware of the world, get to go out every weekend?  Why is is automatic that mom will be home and must ask to go out, but dad can just do wahtever he wants?  I keep noticing sexist behavior like this coming from folks who I feel should know better. 
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