stopping to think

One of the things I struggle most with is having the right size feelings for the particular situation I am in.  It is really hard for me to take a step back, ask myself, "How much emotion does this instance actually deserve?" and then act accordingly.  It seems like it should be simple, but it's not.  For example, I get angry when someone I depend on lets me down.  (Anger is a secondary feeling, but it takes awhile to identify the true feeling - which is usually sadness).  Anyway - what I take from a little let down is bigger than that particular moment.  It is like a train barreling down a track faster and faster.  The first car is this small current moment, and each car after it is the let down before that, and the let down before that, until by the end of the train I am thinking of my mom not stopping my dad from hurting me, my aunts not  seeing it, me being all alone.  The train moves so quickly that I go from slightly upset to 1000% (yes, 1000%) furious in a matter of seconds. 

This sort of response causes all sorts of problems in my life.  It leads me to feeling like a lunatic, and I HATE feeling that way.  It hurts those I love.  I snap at those who are closest to me, and I get so angry that I don't know how to calm down until I have gone from rage to despair.  Any legitimate frustration (which I truly do have) is overshadowed by this inappropriate response, and the real issue of the moment never gets resolved as a result.  It makes communication tough, and leads to having the same conversation and disagreement over and over again. 

The rage to despair cycle is horribly painful.  The hopelessness and helplessness of that place is like living in a dark hole.  When I am there I truly want to die just do I dont have to feel that way anymore.

The idea that I can pause and think about what I am going through shouldnt be so wild and odd, but it kind of is for me.  I am working on it.  When I come home from work and find 2 adults and 2 kids in my trashed home with no dinner started and a sink full of dirty dishes, I can choose to immeduiately go into angery mode, where I feel like I am the only one around my house who acts like a grown up.  Or I can stop, think about why the house might be in this state, and then ask myself how I would best approach my family to get my needs met. 

This all sounds so elementary, but when dealing with PTSD it really isnt.  I find the management of my emotions, responses to stress, and reactive nature to be really tough to manage and even though I know better, it is hard to overcome.  In the heat of the moment, it seems like I will never get better. 

Thankfully, in some areas I can see the change in myself.  I have become more patient with my family.  I still snap occassionally, but nothing like I used to.  It is becoming easier for me to take the neccessary pauses without others even notice that I am doing so. 

My  goal is to continue to improve in this area so that when I actually need to have a conflict it can be in a healthy way.  I know that my son's dad and my husband will actually hear what I am trying to say if I can keep progressing in this area.